I found some 5 ¼ inch floppy disks in my storage. I did not have a computer with a drive that
would allow me to read what was on the disks.
I took all 60 of them down to the family history library and they
transferred them to a flash drive for me.
The following document was dated 1 June 1993. It was written to a friend whose child had gone astray and had
caused them an undue amount of personal sorrow.
Dear Friend,
I am writing to you to let you know that I too, am concerned
about the sorrow that has come into your life. I have had time to
contemplate on this and other experiences that have come into the lives of
people that I love and respect. It is difficult when a child exercises
the agency that is theirs and makes decisions that bring their parents and
those who love them pain and suffering.
I remarked to my wife the other
day that you certainly did not deserve to be treated in such a way. We
don't deserve to be treated that way, but children in the exercise of their
agency may bring to their parents agony and grief that is really not understood
by them or by those who know them. As I have pondered about this I have
come to the conclusion that the first problem is a lack of respect for the role
of the parent.
We have a really egocentric society that teaches self-indulgence and lack of self-discipline. It is hammered at us throughout the mass media and is taught and fostered in the school system and in the peer group. There are few examples of self-control to be seen and in reality there is little said by the church at a local level.
We have become so materialistic in our society that we have little respect for people who do not exercise self-indulgence with the rest of us. Children are so oriented that they have a hard time sharing one with another and giving of themselves to another person's benefit. We are so accustomed to instant gratification of our pleasures and appetites that we find it difficult to accept that we should bend our will to that of another person, particularly someone with delegated authority.
As a comment on our society and its lack of self-control I have been taken with the preponderance of gluttony that we exhibit. Convenience Stores sell large containers with straws and encourage us to drink as much as we want and carry it around with us so that we can satisfy our appetite at our whim. When I was growing up it was considered ill mannered to eat or drink in the presence of others and not offer to share the entire thing with them. Now we encourage people to be selfish and uncaring if it satisfies their appetite. The attack on self-control is so subtle that it is in every day living.
We have a really egocentric society that teaches self-indulgence and lack of self-discipline. It is hammered at us throughout the mass media and is taught and fostered in the school system and in the peer group. There are few examples of self-control to be seen and in reality there is little said by the church at a local level.
We have become so materialistic in our society that we have little respect for people who do not exercise self-indulgence with the rest of us. Children are so oriented that they have a hard time sharing one with another and giving of themselves to another person's benefit. We are so accustomed to instant gratification of our pleasures and appetites that we find it difficult to accept that we should bend our will to that of another person, particularly someone with delegated authority.
As a comment on our society and its lack of self-control I have been taken with the preponderance of gluttony that we exhibit. Convenience Stores sell large containers with straws and encourage us to drink as much as we want and carry it around with us so that we can satisfy our appetite at our whim. When I was growing up it was considered ill mannered to eat or drink in the presence of others and not offer to share the entire thing with them. Now we encourage people to be selfish and uncaring if it satisfies their appetite. The attack on self-control is so subtle that it is in every day living.
We expect instant resolution to our problems and demand that
if there is any injustice that the government solve the problem for us so that
we don't have to deal with any unpleasantness. We are so afraid of
failure and insecurity that we would fain sell our birthright for a mess of
potage, but condemn Esau for doing the same.
It is in this atmosphere
that our children are growing up and gaining their values in spite of what we
teach them to the contrary. It would take a full-blown Madison Avenue
approach to change the direction that we are taking and I am doubtful that it
would be effective now. Many of our young men are being kept from the
destiny to which they were commissioned because they have not learned to be
more concerned with what the Lord has asked them to do than they are with their
own feelings and desires.
In less affluent times the children had to rely on their parents for their very existence and thus there was a bond built into the family that they knew there were not alone and the love was tangible and manifest in the care that they received, for their food, clothing and shelter were at the discretion of the parents and survival depended upon the family staying close as a unit. We were more interested in having clothes to wear rather than Calvin Klein or Liz Claybourne. This has had the effect of isolating the children from their parents.
Once the child feels isolated and lonely and misunderstood it is easier for Satan to replace the true affection and love of a parent with the false love of the world. Thus the lonely and unwary are led to accept the things of the world and the false sense of security that it gives, until they are entrapped by the evil one. When the child feels that his parents represent a hindrance rather than a help they loose the faith and understanding that the parents represent the shepherd to keep the wolves away from the flock.
Once the breech occurs it is difficult to reestablish the sense of trust that previously was there. The child realizing that he or she has made a mistake then is usually too proud to admit that. Thus the breech remains, and any effort that is made by the parents is seen as an intrusion into the privacy rather than an effort at reconciliation. The pattern for the parents is to keep up an effort in spite of the rejection of the child. This is much like a continual effort to self-mutilation, because the pain experienced by the parent is renewed at each encounter and instead of receiving a resolution of the agony it is only prolonged. We want so much to have the resolution of the dominant seventh cord to make the music sound right but it continues enough to keep us on edge.
Time does have a dimming or numbing effect. As time passes the acute pain is no longer there, but a great and overwhelming sense of failure initially seems to pervade the thoughts of the parent. It swells and breaks like the waves of the sea against the rocks of the shore. At times a relentless pounding and crashing and at others, a pressure of surging that cannot be ignored. I would compare this to the feeling that one experiences at the death of a loved one. In a sense it is a spiritual death and I can understand why in some cultures, i.e. Jewish, the family would prefer to treat them as if they were dead, because it is much less painful and preferable than to have the constant feelings of frustration, loss of self esteem, isolation, failure, and sorrow for the lost child.
In less affluent times the children had to rely on their parents for their very existence and thus there was a bond built into the family that they knew there were not alone and the love was tangible and manifest in the care that they received, for their food, clothing and shelter were at the discretion of the parents and survival depended upon the family staying close as a unit. We were more interested in having clothes to wear rather than Calvin Klein or Liz Claybourne. This has had the effect of isolating the children from their parents.
Once the child feels isolated and lonely and misunderstood it is easier for Satan to replace the true affection and love of a parent with the false love of the world. Thus the lonely and unwary are led to accept the things of the world and the false sense of security that it gives, until they are entrapped by the evil one. When the child feels that his parents represent a hindrance rather than a help they loose the faith and understanding that the parents represent the shepherd to keep the wolves away from the flock.
Once the breech occurs it is difficult to reestablish the sense of trust that previously was there. The child realizing that he or she has made a mistake then is usually too proud to admit that. Thus the breech remains, and any effort that is made by the parents is seen as an intrusion into the privacy rather than an effort at reconciliation. The pattern for the parents is to keep up an effort in spite of the rejection of the child. This is much like a continual effort to self-mutilation, because the pain experienced by the parent is renewed at each encounter and instead of receiving a resolution of the agony it is only prolonged. We want so much to have the resolution of the dominant seventh cord to make the music sound right but it continues enough to keep us on edge.
Time does have a dimming or numbing effect. As time passes the acute pain is no longer there, but a great and overwhelming sense of failure initially seems to pervade the thoughts of the parent. It swells and breaks like the waves of the sea against the rocks of the shore. At times a relentless pounding and crashing and at others, a pressure of surging that cannot be ignored. I would compare this to the feeling that one experiences at the death of a loved one. In a sense it is a spiritual death and I can understand why in some cultures, i.e. Jewish, the family would prefer to treat them as if they were dead, because it is much less painful and preferable than to have the constant feelings of frustration, loss of self esteem, isolation, failure, and sorrow for the lost child.
In a sense we have lost our innocence in the world and
unwillingly been forced to become part of it, without being adequately prepared
to deal with the issues at hand. We could not precisely know what exquisite
pain that we would feel, the lump in the pit of our stomach, the lack of sleep
to lay like a warm and comforting blanket over our tortured soul, the darts of
our self recrimination wondering what we could have done to avert what has
transpired in our lives. We cannot in good faith say a Kaddish and
let the matter pass out of our lives as a bad dream. The greater our
faith and knowledge of the gospel are, the more we know that we must open the
door of our hearts, if only to have them crushed again by unthinking,
un-understanding, inconsiderate people or children.
In our zeal to right the wrong and make sure that we had done all that was possible to repair the damage that was done we sometimes become super righteous and bear down in pure testimony on the child thinking that we will, by so doing, wash our garments clean of the blood that we feel stains them and us. The time for teaching and training is long since past and the child now marches to the beat of a distant different drummer.
In our zeal to right the wrong and make sure that we had done all that was possible to repair the damage that was done we sometimes become super righteous and bear down in pure testimony on the child thinking that we will, by so doing, wash our garments clean of the blood that we feel stains them and us. The time for teaching and training is long since past and the child now marches to the beat of a distant different drummer.
What are we then to do? We would like to think that
the principles of the gospel, if properly presented, would turn the child in
the path and bring them around to embrace again the Savior again to sing the
song of redeeming love, with the loving arms of parents around them to help
them on their way.
As I have pondered the scriptures in this regard, I have gained some insight into the problem by reading the story of the prodigal son. The same scenario exists, the child leaves the family, but the father does not go out to tell the child where he has strayed and preach to him. He knows that this is to no avail. He waits patiently and then seeing him afar off, runs to meet him. There awaits for the repentant child the tokens of, a ring, a best robe, shoes for his feet and a fatted calf, “For this my son was dead and is alive again. He was lost and is found.”
The prodigal son has to come back, not on his own terms, but the terms of the father. Not terms that demean, but are understood by both parties, for it goes without saying, that the principles were taught and understood by both participants in the past. Elder Maxwell has said that we need to make the home such a sweet place that when the children taste of the world they will find it bitter and return, because they discern the difference.
As I have pondered the scriptures in this regard, I have gained some insight into the problem by reading the story of the prodigal son. The same scenario exists, the child leaves the family, but the father does not go out to tell the child where he has strayed and preach to him. He knows that this is to no avail. He waits patiently and then seeing him afar off, runs to meet him. There awaits for the repentant child the tokens of, a ring, a best robe, shoes for his feet and a fatted calf, “For this my son was dead and is alive again. He was lost and is found.”
The prodigal son has to come back, not on his own terms, but the terms of the father. Not terms that demean, but are understood by both parties, for it goes without saying, that the principles were taught and understood by both participants in the past. Elder Maxwell has said that we need to make the home such a sweet place that when the children taste of the world they will find it bitter and return, because they discern the difference.
I wonder why there seems to be more of this going on in our
day than in the past. As I contemplate the past I know that there were
some families that were touched by such sorrow, but I don't remember that so
many stalwart couples have had this same experience. I am convinced that
it is because of the worldly experience that we are forced to participate
in. I watch the television and see how the philosophy of men is taught
and repeated until we think that this is the norm.
These are the thoughts of a concerned and loving grandfather.
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