Written March 7, 1995
This has been edited since (March 2022) to make it applicable to my grandchildren.
Approval
Acceptance
Love
People have a need to feel approval of others. This is the driving force for behavior in our society. We smoke for approval, we drink for approval, and we modify our behavior for approval. Approval of others is one of the overpowering influences in the life of most people today. We call this influence peer pressure. Because of it men alter their behavior and give up their agency. In contemplating this I find that there are few people who are not in one way or another affected by it. Some, to more of an extreme than others. In the days that I was growing up the peer pressure was to a great extent in a positive direction. We had little teenage pregnancy, because the peer pressure was against such behavior and those who found themselves in that position were ostracized by the community. Approval is usually based upon behavior of ideals.
We often get approval mixed up with acceptance. This too is a great motivating force in human relationships. We all have a desire to be accepted in the community for what we are. Our acceptance should not be determined by our actions. We are to be accepted because we are children of our Father in Heaven and fellow citizens here in the earth. Those who do not accept are prejudiced. As you know this is quite a problem in the world. Because people are not accepted by others they are made to feel outcast and of little worth. It is easy to see that if a person does not feel approval, he may not feel acceptance.
The third principle which fits into this discussion is love. Love is the motivating principle of the scriptures. It is mentioned by Paul as charity. This being the pure love of Christ. It is said that without charity we are nothing. This love does not depend upon works nor does it depend on merit. We receive this love as a free gift and we give it to others freely without expecting them to behave in a certain way or doing anything at all. It is an unconditional love. It is the hardest to give and the easiest to receive, because to receive it we have to do absolutely nothing , but to give it we have to extend ourselves beyond our mortal selves and take upon ourselves the attributes of Christ. In order to give this kind of love it requires enormous effort on our part. We cannot expect the person that we so love to return that love. We cannot expect the object of that Charity to behave in a certain way nor can we be disaffected with them because of their actions.
Some may think that they are not loved if they do not receive constant approval from those around them. This is a fallacy, because love and approval are two different things. As parents we are always looked to for approval. If the parent does not approve of what is done, then we equate that with our being out of favor or unloved. A small illustration from my own life may serve as an example.
In 1987 we took a small trip to Europe with some of our children. Some. but not all of our children were one of those fortunate enough to go along. I was in a financial crisis, and I did not know where I was going to get the money to pay for the trip. I had even considered sending the family, and staying home and working so that I could pay for it and not be out the money which I would earn if I were working.
There were many things that needed to be done around the house and around the yard. The office needed to be painted and I really could not afford to hire it done. It was at this time that my father came to me and said that he had given it some thought and that I ought to cancel the trip and have all the family stay home and paint the house and the office and use the time together and not go flitting around Europe.
I was thus put in a quandary. Should I honor my father and do what he counseled or disregard his advice. This caused me some concern and I looked in the scriptures to see if I could find an answer. What would the Lord expect me to do? Of course you can guess the outcome, but were not privy to the agony that I went through resolving that in my own mind. I think that I have come to an understanding of when to obey counsel and when the parent has no right to even give his opinion to his children.
The answer was given many years ago to your grandmother and me by Elder Maxwell. It concerns decisions of principle and decisions of preference. The gospel and the commandments are decisions of principle and as such it is the parents responsibility to make sure that the child, no matter what age, understands those principles and is reminded of his obligation to the Lord. The others are decisions of preference and as such we are allowed to do what we want to and the parent should not express his opinion unless he is asked for it. It may not be what the parent wants, and may even in fact be entirely at odds with them, but as long as it is a decision of preference, we have full reign to do exactly as the desire indicates.
I have not been unhappy with my father for his opinion. I don't think that he has thought any the less of me for not following his counsel, but I know that it did not come from the Lord, because it was a decision of preference. This opinion, however did not come to me easily or without much soul searching on my part. As it worked out, the Lord blessed me with enough money to meet my obligations and to take the trip. I am not sorry to this day about the decision that I made. It has had benefits which will last for years.
Please understand that your grandmother and I love you with an unconditional love. This does not mean that we will approve of everything that you do. You must, however, know that we accept you and love you even though we may not approve of what you do. We will express our opinion when asked for it and if we are human and express it when it isn't asked for, be patient with us. We are imperfect and are going through this stage of our life for the first time.
You may have realized by now that both your grandmother and I have very strong personalities. We are both opinionated people. We hope that we are not "bull headed" in our opinions, except where the commandments of the Lord are concerned. There we hope that we waiver neither to the right or the left.
It will not matter in the long run what you have done in this life to make a living. It will matter a great deal what kind of a person you were and have become. For we are constantly being challenged and constantly improving ourselves, or at least we should be. President McKay said that one day we would have a personal priesthood interview with the Lord Jesus Christ and that he would ask us the following questions. How is your relationship to the wife that I gave you? How have you treated her? How is your relationship with your children? Have you treated them as I would have done and taught them the gospel? He will then ask us to give an accounting of our priesthood responsibilities, not what office we held, but how we magnified the callings that we were given. He will not ask anything about our earthly employment.
The greatest battles that are fought here in this life are fought within the soul. Brother Hugh Nibley says that the things we have to do in this life are to repent and forgive. I hope that you will have the charity to forgive us as we learn and repent.
Our goal with all of our children was to give them the financial and emotional support to gain their own independence. Changes are coming to my life faster than I ever imagined.
It is my belief that if we put the Lord first and keep his commandments, pay an honest tithe, keep our thoughts clean and pure, and let not profane words cross our lips, we will be sustained and supported by the Lord, even in our extreme trials. The simple things are scripture reading, prayers, family home evening, and love in the home. The rest will come in it's own due time.
As you can see I wrote this some time ago. I have been waiting to finish it and so now today the 26th of May I have some time to think and to write. There are some things that have happened in our life that you need to be aware of. A few months ago I got a visit from the hospital administrator for the Riverton hospital. He said that he had heard that I was going to retire. I replied that I had no serious plans in that direction. He offered to buy my building and the practice. I told him that I would give it some thought, and we have been thinking about it. They had the building appraised and have extended an offer, but it was not what I thought that I would like. Since that time two other individuals have offered to negotiate on buying the building. I have thought about it a lot and feel that perhaps now is the time, if things work out to sell the building and retire.
We had contemplated a mission for some time. Perhaps now would be the best time to put those plans into action. We have not made any firm commitments, but the seed has been planted in our minds. To us, this seems like an exciting and different challenge and will give us a graceful way to ease out of the community and private practice. We have dreamed many dreams about what we would do. We hope that we will be able to do all the things that we would like to.
It seems that you will be getting into a position where you will be able to financially support yourself and the family. I hope that you get a steady reimbursement that you can count on. I think that as you try to keep the commandments and get close to the Lord that you will be blessed commensurate with your righteousness and the way will open up for you to be successful in your chosen field.
Love,
Grandpa
