This is a letter that I wrote some years ago. I think it applies now as well.
Dear
Friend,
I am writing to you to let you know that I
too, am concerned about the sorrow that has come into your life. I have had time to contemplate on this and
other experiences that have come into the lives of people that I love and
respect. It is difficult when a child
exercises the agency that is theirs and makes decisions that bring their
parents and those who love them pain and suffering. I remarked to my wife the other day that you
certainly did not deserve to be treated in such a way. We don't deserve to be treated that way, but
children in the exercise of their agency may bring to their parents agony and
grief that is really not understood by them or by those who know them. As I have pondered about this I have come to
the conclusion that the first problem is a lack of respect for the role of the
parent.
We have a really egocentric society that
teaches self indulgence and lack of self discipline. It is hammered at us throughout the mass
media and is taught and fostered in the school system and in the peer
group. There are few examples of self
control to be seen and in reality there is little said by the church at a local
level. We have become so materialistic
in our society that we have little respect for people who do not exercise self
indulgence with the rest of us. Children
are so oriented that they have a hard time sharing one with another and giving
of themselves to another person's benefit. We are so accustomed to instant
gratification of our pleasures and appetites that we find it difficult to
accept that we should bend our will to that of another person, particularly
someone with delegated authority.
As a comment on our society and its lack
of self control I have been taken with the preponderance of gluttony that we
exhibit. Convenience Stores sell large
containers with straws and encourage us to drink as much as we want and carry
it around with us so that we can satisfy our appetite at our whim. When I was growing up it was considered ill mannered
to eat or drink in the presence of others and not offer to share the entire
thing with them. Now we encourage people
to be selfish and uncaring if it satisfies their appetite. The attack on self‑control is so subtle that
it is in every day living. We expect
instant resolution to our problems and demand that if there is any injustice
that the government solve the problem for us so that we don't have to deal with
any unpleasantness. We are so afraid of
failure and insecurity that we would fain sell our birthright for a mess of
potage, but condemn Esau for doing the
same. It is in this atmosphere that our
children are growing up and gaining their values in spite of what we teach them
to the contrary. It would take a full
blown Madison Avenue approach to change the direction that we are taking and I
am doubtful that it would be effective now.
Many of our young men are being kept from the destiny to which they were
commissioned because they have not learned to be more concerned with what the
Lord has asked them to do than they are with their own feelings and desires.
In less affluent times the children had to
rely on their parents for their very existence and thus there was a bond built
into the family that they knew there were not alone and the love was tangible
and manifest in the care that they received, for their food clothing and
shelter were at the discretion of the parents and survival depended upon the
family staying close as a unit. We were
more interested in having clothes to wear rather than Calvin Klein or Liz
Claybourne. This has had the effect of
isolating the children from their parents.
Once the child feels isolated and lonely and misunderstood it is easier
for Satan to replace the true affection and love of a parent with the false
love of the world. Thus the lonely and
unwary are led to accept the things of the world and the false sense of
security that it gives, until they are entrapped by the evil one. When the child feels that his parents
represent a hindrance rather than a help they loose the faith and understanding
that the parents represent the shepherd to keep the wolves away from the flock.
Once the breech occurs it is difficult to
reestablish the sense of trust that previously was there. The child realizing that he or she has made a
mistake then is usually too proud to admit that. Thus the breech remains, and any effort that
is made by the parents is seen as an intrusion into the privacy rather than an
effort at reconciliation. The pattern
for the parents is to keep up an effort in spite of the rejection of the
child. This is much like a continual
effort to self mutilation, because the pain experienced by the parent is
renewed at each encounter and instead of receiving a resolution of the agony it
is only prolonged. We want so much to
have the resolution of the dominant seventh cord to make the music sound
"right" but it continues enough to keep us on edge.
Time does have a dimming or numbing
effect. As time passes the acute pain is
no longer there, but a great and overwhelming sense of failure initially seems
to pervade the thoughts of the parent.
It swells and breaks like the waves of the sea against the rocks of the
shore. At times a relentless pounding
and crashing and at others a pressure of surging that cannot be ignored. I would compare this to the feeling that one
experiences at the death of a loved one.
In a sense it is a spiritual death and I can understand why in some
cultures, ie. Jewish, the family would prefer to treat them as if they were
dead, because it is much less painful and preferable than to have the constant
feelings of frustration, loss of self esteem, isolation, failure, and sorrow
for the lost child. In a sense we have
lost our innocence in the world and unwillingly been forced to become part of
it, without being adequately prepared to deal with the issues at hand. We could not precisely know what exquisite
pain that we would feel, the lump in the pit of our stomach, the lack of sleep
to lay like a warm and comforting blanket over our tortured soul, the darts of our
self recrimination wondering what we could have done to avert what has
transpired in our lives. We cannot in
good faith say a Kaddish and let the matter pass out of our lives as a bad
dream. The greater our faith and
knowledge of the gospel are, the more we know that we must open the door of our
hearts, if only to have them crushed again by unthinking, ununderstanding,
inconsiderate people or children.
In our zeal to right the wrong and make
sure that we had done all that was possible to repair the damage that was done
we sometimes become super righteous and "bear down in pure testimony"
on the child thinking that we will by so doing wash our garments clean of the
blood that we feel stains them and us. The time for teaching and training is
long since past and the child now marches to the beat of a distant different
drummer. What are we then to do? We would like to think that the principles of
the gospel, if properly presented, would turn the child in the path and bring
them around to embrace again the saviour.
Again to sing the song of redeeming love with the loving arms of parents
around them to help them on their way.
As I have pondered the
scriptures in this regard, I have gained some insight into the problem by
reading the story of the prodigal son.
The same scenario exists, the child leaves the family, but the father
does not go out to tell the child where he has strayed and preach to him. He knows that this is to no avail. He waits patiently and then seeing him afar
off, runs to meet him. There awaits for
the repentant child the tokens of, a ring, a best robe, shoes for his feet and
a fatted calf, "For this my son was dead and is alive again. He was lost
and is found."
The prodigal son has to come
back, not on his own terms, but the terms of the father. Not terms that demean, but are understood by
both parties, for it goes without saying, that the principles were taught and
understood by both participants in the past.
Elder Maxwell has said that we need to make the home such a sweet place
that when the children taste of the world they will find it bitter and return,
because they discern the difference.
I wonder why there seems to
be more of this going on in our day than in the past. As I contemplate the past I know that there
were some families that were touched by such sorrow, but I don't remember that
so many stalwart couples have had this same experience. I am convinced that it is because of the
worldly experience that we are forced to participate in. I watch the television and see how the
philosophy of men is taught and repeated until we think that this is the norm.
